


Unexpected Love: A (Satire) Fluff Story Between Enemies

by FiberBriver



Category: Half-Life
Genre: M/M, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:49:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26884654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiberBriver/pseuds/FiberBriver
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Wallace Breen
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Unexpected Love.... By FiberBriver :) Art by Birch**

inspired by an email by greg coomer, referring to breens glasses in the beta:

The resistance had triumphed over City 17 for a week now. Freeman has been leading you to victory. You are Barney Calhoun. You've been looking forward to the day that you get to enter the Citadel where the man who's ruined your life and everyone else's lives too. Finally, after so much work, you and your completely platonic pal, Gordon Freeman, who is heterosexual and not interested and it's mutual non-interest you are not lovers and he dates Alyx Vance and only Alyx Vance, have finally made it into the citadel. You look up at the Breencast that's being torn down. "Nice," you say. But deep down, you almost feel bad that his face is no more.

Initially, you planned on sending Freeman and Alyx who are dating and he is not dating you he is straight, alone into the citadel, but you needed to get unfinished business over with. So you follow the 2 heterosexual lovers down into the hole in the ground that D0G made for you to go into the hole in the ground into the citadel from the hole in the ground. You go into the hole in the ground to get to the citadel that D0G allowed passage to. You enter and the thoughts of Wallace enter your head and linger. His snazzy suit and handsome features. You wonder why he'd do what he does. Why would such a nice looking man become a fascist?

After lots of fighting, which was really cool and you are cool. You are Barney!!!!! Gordon looks at you, and signs to you "You are really cool and we are platonic friends." You feel flattered. No homo. Alyx, who is dating the heterosexual Gordon, points at a pod. "It's a pod!" She says. "We should go into the pod! And get there! To where the pod takes us to!" You go into the pod and the pod takes you to the pod's destination. Which is where the pod leads. Breen's office!................................................................................................................................................................................

You're taken into the Breen OFFICE!!!!! You see Breen, he's even better in person. Hot mama! OwooGA! (EYES POP FROM SKULL) Gordon says "Wow, that is a reaction that a homosexual man would have. I would not. I am straight." Gordon still approves of you. He is an ally. But not an actual member of the LGBTQ+ fandom. Gordon is CISHET and that's okay! But he is not attracted to Barney in this or any universe. Alyx nods in agreement. "I am not a lesbian!" It was true. She is not.

Breen sees the 3 and says "Ah, look what the cat dragged in. A guard with a sexy face and my two worst enemies." This is flirting. Sparks flew. Sparks caught on Barney and he fell in love! More than before because he already loved him. Barney saw Breen. But this time, he was different. He had glasses on, which made him look vaguely homosexual. This was the love of 1000 suns. There are too many suns, people will die with that many suns, thats how black holes are made, asshole!

Breen said to you who is Barney whoops switched perspectives UWU, "Barney Calhoun, you are sexyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, get out of that pod, sexypants!" And then you did. "My benefactors do not want me to have a boyfriend, but I don't care, I've been watching you and I love you. That's why you were never caught as an undercover resistance member in the metropolice. It was pretty fucking obvious. You never killed anyone and we saw you rescue Gordon."

"Gee, Breen, you knew? How did you know?" he said not realizing he was just told.

"It was pretty fucking obvious. You never killed anyone and we saw you rescue Gordon." Breen repeated gently and caringly. Barney turned his head, red as a tomato. He realized he was already told, but his southern cowboy charm got him out of the awkward situation. "Barney Calhoun. I, Wallace Breen, leader of the Earthly combine forces, love you. Kiss me!" and then they did. Barney felt good. It was a nonsexual kiss because this is fluff and not smut. Because that would be weird. This is not weird though. This is normal and canon to every timeline. Even your AU has this happen.

"Nice," Gordon signed, despite his hands being tied up in the pod. "I respect my homosexual friend despite not being homosexual and actually heterosexual."

"I know you are, doc!" said Barney in his sexy cowboy voice. "I love you, Breen!" also said Barney who is you.

Then you passionately but also safe for workly made out. The combine guards looked on in disgust.

"We are the CEOS of homophobia! And we're gonna kick your ASSS!!!!!!" Barney killed them. Nobody can get in the way of his love. His love who's name is Wallace Breen.

"Say, honey, why don't we free the Freeman!" And then Breen did. So came a new era of peace on Earth! Except when the combine found out, they got kinda pissed. Every single advisor showed up on earth. Literally every single one. Like at least a trillion. Uh oh. Then Barney killed them. "I got ya, sweetiepie," he remarked to his new husband, Wallace Breen. And then they embraced and were very happy.

THE END!?????????????????????


	2. Cold and Distant - A Breenhoun Dispute Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> barney has a domestic situation

5 years after the fall of the Combine…

Barney and Breen were happy married together and in love, as is normally expected… UNTIL!!! Breen was being cold and distant. Also they rebuilt society, sorry forgot to mention. Barney was noticing Breen’s coldness and distantness… He was sad, because they were happy, but now they weren’t. Breen started being not in the house, as much. Which was weird, since he was never leaving the house before. Breen wouldn’t let Barney use his phone… Was he… cheating?????? On Barney???????!?!?! Calhoun?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!1?!/! Barney had many thoughts enter his head, not good ones, even. Mean thoughts. Barney called his good heterosexual platonic friend, Gordon Freeman to go to Arby’s with him and pick up a meat burger.

They were at the Arby’s. Gordon picked up his meat burger, and took a bit. “I’m having some troubles with Breen, doc.” exclaimed Barney. “He’s been cold and distant, and although it’s against god’s word, I suspect he may be seeing someone else.” “Which god?” signed Gordon. “Jesus. I’m a catholic, Gordon. Remember?” Gordon freemembered. He was there at his baptism. Although Gordon didn’t agree with the beliefs, he still was good friends with Barney, and Barney him. Heterosexually, of course.

“I know a cool place where you can meet cool people to take your mind off of it,” exclaimed a voice. Barney did not know who the voice belonged to, so he looked behind him. It was Adrian Shepard from Half Life Opposing Force! “It’s really cool.” “Oh boy, what is it?” exclaimed Barney. “Furcon: City 17” exclaimed Adrian Shepard. Barney smirked. “Furcon?” Adrian smirked. “Yes.” Barney smirked harder. “What is that?” Gordon smirked. “A furry convention. In City 17.” Barney smarked. “Oh.” Adrian pulled out a bag, and opened it up. Inside was a bright fursuit. “Got it dry cleaned just now. I’m ChristShepardTehConservativeFox on FurAffinity. I draw my sona trolling liberals online.” “But Adrian Shepard, I’m a liberal! I voted Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. My first choice for office. Nobody better. Except maybe OBAMA. But that would be illegal, and we all know crimes are always bad. I just don’t support radicals like Bernie. But your furry idea intrigues me.” “A liberal? That’s so unbased! But yes, I have but one extra ticket. I received it as a commission. From a furry. From the art I make. About furries. Which I am. I often draw Tony the Tiger in sexy outfits. Sometimes without them.” “What the fuck” exclaimed the Employee at Arby’s. Who was the employee?? Tony the Tiger. In the real. “Yoooou’rrrrree SEXY! Adrian!” Then they made eout right there. Barney and Gordon left because it was a private scene.

Later, he got a call from Adrian. “Barney! I have news! I am not homophobic anymore, because I realize I am gay for Tony the Tiger, my new boyfriend. Also, I am now ridin with Biden. Hahaha, just kidding! I am gay and homophobic! And guess what, I’m voting for KANYE WEST, and committing voter fraud fraud so I can claim voter fraud! So voter fraud fraud! Anyway, meet me at the Fursona store.” Barney was tired of Adrian Shepard’s shit, but he went anyway.

At the Fursona shop, Adrian was there with his Boyfriend, Tony the Tiger. Barney showed up. “So, Adrian Shepard, what on earth is this place?” “The fursona store!” “Oh, okay.” They went in. “How do I find a furry sona?” “You don’t, the fursona chooses you.” Suddenly, a bonfire ignited in the middle of the empty store. It was mesmerizing. Barney couldn’t help but look in. He… was enamoured… He couldn’t look away… “You know what to do,” said Adrian. Although it didn’t matter whether it happened. Barney was lost in the flames, drowning his voice out. Barney raised his hand up. It shook, as he slowly drew it closer to the flames. As it entered the flames, he felt no burning at first, merely a tingling sensation, until the feeling became too much. It hurt, but he could not look away, nor draw away his hand. It was burning, melting… But within the flames he saw a faint image appear. The rest of the world began to fade. The shape took form, a pinkish-purplish blob. Slowly its form became clearer. It… was an animal, of some sort. Reptilian. Green spots started to make themselves clear. Black eyes. It was blurry, hazy. As his pain peaked, he saw the final image. It was a purple dinosaur with a green belly. He fell back from the flames, his world coming back all at once. Adrian looked at him in an expression that was a mix of fear, empathy, and tiredness. “Did you see it? What form did it take?” Barney, at a loss of words, stared at his hands, somehow untouched, although he swore they’d melted. He looked at Adrian. “A dinosaur… Purple and green.” “Then it’s settled. Your sona is Barney. Barney the Dinosaur.” Barney was permanently scarred. Anyway, his fursuit materialized in front of him. It fit him like a glove. Well, at least the glove parts did. Barney was finally ready. Ready for furcon.

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
